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Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After spending hours in front of the mirror applying the ‘miracle’ products, she asked: “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied: “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
 

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This guy goes into a restaurant followed by an Ostrich.

They take a booth , and the waitress comes over and says hello.

The guy orders a salad, and a dinner special, the ostrich says " me too".

They eat, leave a tip, and pay and go.

The next day, they come in again, and the same thing occurs, but at the register to leave, the manager asks what's with the Ostrich.

The man says " a month ago, I found a dingy oil lamp in an attic, took it outside and was cleaning it, and a Genie popped out.

The genie say, " for freeing me from that lamp, I grant you one wish."

Well; I wished for a

" long legged Chick, that agreed with everything that I said."
 

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John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."

Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
 

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Discussion Starter #9,376
"To gain self-confidence," the counselor suggested to her client, "you must avoid using negative words such as "don't" and "not". "Do you think you can do that?" To which her client replied, "Well, I don't see why not."
 

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Coach (to offensive lineman) -- "Bubba, you've been messing up the last couple of games and in practice sessions, missing play calls an jumping offside. Tell me son, is it ignorance or apathy?"

"I don' rightly know, Coach...an' to tell the truth, I don' much give a dam."
 
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