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REALITY CHECK

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.

"In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."

Carolyn shrugged.

"In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
 

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Three college professors were arguing "when life begins".
The first one said: Life begins at the moment of conception.
The second one said: No, at the moment of birth.
And the third one said: NA, Na, life begins when the dog dies and the kids move out.
 

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Three medical students are sauntering along behind a man who is walking with a decidedly peculiar gait. They discuss possible causes for his disability. Finally they stop the man, to determine which of them had made the correct diagnosis.

First student -- "Sir, it appears to me that you have suffered a hernia to one of your lumbar disks, likely L3 or L4."
Second student -- "Sir, in my opinion, it seems more likely that you simply have strained your sciatic nerve."
Third student -- "...And sir, to me it does not seem to be a lower back issue, I think your difficulty stems from a severe injury to your right hip."

The man replied, "Well, we were all wrong...I thought it was gas."
 

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Jimfarwell's joke reminds me of this:
This man is trying to make his elderly dad go and look at a new retirement home.
Son: Dad, is it the right time for us to go and check a place for you?
Dad: No, I told you, I don't want to go there, I want to die here.
Son: Look at this newspaper ad: a new retirement just opened nearby, let's just go and look, no obligation, just to look.
After a few days dad agreed to "just to look, but I will never go live there".
They went to the retirement home, a lovely nurse invited them to the office, explained the amenities, then suggested to tour the place, to look inside a typical room, the club house, library, common area, dinning room and the yard.
Then back in the office, she tried to explain more, when she noticed dad tilting to the left in his chair, she jumped and straightened him up. Then he tilted to the right, and she jumped to help him back to the center.
At that moment dad said: Son, thank the nice nurse, but take me home now.
Off they went, and son asked: How did you like the visit?
Dad: I likes the place, but I will never stay in a place where they won't even let you pass gas.
 

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^please don't give these associations any more ideas.
 

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A retired army officer told of once having to submit a list of flowers he wanted to plant at his on base housing. Wondering if such things were even read, he put his degree in botany to use and listed the full Latin names of 6 or 8 plants.
In due time his list came back marked approved, but he never planted anything on his list. But he was approved to plant opium poppies, marijuana, ...
 

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The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied,

“These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.”

The public safety officer shook his head and muttered,

“Who can resist a Barbie queue?”
 
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