DIY Home Improvement Forum banner

1 - 20 of 9455 Posts

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Why is Superman's costume so tight?
Because he wears a size "S"

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A Nectarine


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping
for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have
avocados, get 6".

A short time later, the husband comes back with 6 cartons
of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados".


Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous".
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."


A husband and wife have a tiff. The wife calls up her mom
and says, "He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you."

Her mom says, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you."


15,259 Posts
A husband forgets their anniversary.

The wife, upset, tells him "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 30 seconds or less in the driveway by tomorrow morning."

The next morning she gets up and sees a box on the driveway. She looks in it and sees a scale.

The husband is expected to live, but it is uncertain as to when he will be off life support.

Super Moderator
13,879 Posts
For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
Federal Government employee performance evaluations...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy ."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

21 . "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its' diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananasecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong

7. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

8. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

9. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

10. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

11. 52 cards = 1 decacards

12. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

13. 10 rations = 1 decoration

14. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
The Good Cat

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Dear Nickelback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in our language.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Mr. Gump
What are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get...
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up.
Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant

Super Moderator
39,510 Posts
Thread reopened.
  • Like
Reactions: gma2rjc

140 Posts
Because im from Canada and i just cant resist

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his

arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case

of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to

a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would

make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut

out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very

pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's

knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain,

the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was

terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as

the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was

conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there

was a ghastly accident.

Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of

your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"


Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The

Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the

pins and throwing them back.


6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine", asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details!", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question".

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape, I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?' "

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Creative Puns for 'Educated Minds'

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head".

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Support bacteria... it's the only culture some people have!

A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Mold!! Let's kill it!
2,849 Posts
John died and went to heaven. When he knocked at the gate, St. Peter asked him a few questions and then ended with : Have you ever been unfaithful to your loving wife? "No. Never" said John. That's correct said St. Peter and handed him the keys to a new Caddillac. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you get around". Next Tom knocked at the gate and after the same questions, St. Peter asked, "Have you ever been unfaithful to your loving wife? "Only once" said Tom, "and I asked to be forgiven and never did it again." "That's correct" said St. Peter and he handed Tom the keys to a new Chevy. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you to get around." Next came Harry. St. Peter asked the same questions and again finished with "Have you ever been unfaithful to you loving wife?" "Oh, several times and with different women, but I asked for forgiveness and have not done it anymore". "That's correct" said St. Peter and he handed Harry the keys to a VW. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you get around". Some time later. Tom and Harry are tooling around and come upon John sitting in his Caddy crying. "What's the matter John?" they asked. "I just passed my wife" he said." "Yeah? so?" they asked. At this point John really broke down........ "She was on rollerskates".

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago, to make room for a new skyscraper.

Due to it's proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.

They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important!"

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore. They had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

"Well," said the police, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody important. In fact, he's famous for being undefeated in his field."

"Who was it?", asked the eager construction workers.

"The 1962 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and on-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask, so I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

6,738 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Top 20 Engineering Terminologies -



CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION = we know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH = it works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION DELIVERY ASSURED = we are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE = the stupid thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING = we are so surprised that the silly thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED = the only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS = it is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT = forget it, we have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL = let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING = We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION = I can't wait to hear this junk!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS = come into my office. I'm lonely.

ALL NEW = parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED = too heavy to lift.

LIGHTWEIGHT = lighter than 'RUGGED'.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT = one finally worked.

ENERGY SAVINGS = achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE = impossible to fix if broken.

custom user
1,074 Posts
How To Unsubscribe from a thread:

To unsubscribe from this thread you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from
most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper
permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and
the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.

Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its
accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of
the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the
eight-millimeter torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at
a 66-degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the
curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the
triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into
place using the band-aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into
the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D
cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.

The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional
digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital
corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using
caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and
quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom
plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit
vigorously. Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment
and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut
with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to

Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation
Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level
to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric
pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within
the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure
to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular
accelerator. Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit,
rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been
obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red
light is about to go off. Once the red light is off, flip the toggle
switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before
logging on to the system.

Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once
prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to
take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the
compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next,
press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and
tab simultaneously. Press enter.

You will have ten seconds to complete the procedure. If you fail to
respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.

Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate
termination of your subscription to the thread so please follow the above
directions closely.
1 - 20 of 9455 Posts