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Old 06-25-2012, 09:21 PM   #1
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A few jokes I found. Feel free to post some of your favorite jokes, riddles, etc!


The Johnson's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Johnson made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered.

"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Johnson turned to his wife and said, "Show him your tooth, honey."


Government Regulations -
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.



There was once
an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

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Last edited by gma2rjc; 06-25-2012 at 09:23 PM.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:33 PM   #2
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Last edited by creeper; 06-26-2012 at 05:34 AM.
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:37 AM   #3
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CHURCH HUMOR (from Church Bulletins)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The ermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 M in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:40 AM   #4
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....Guy walks into a bar..... says to the bartender:




....."ouch".
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:50 AM   #5
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>
> Why parents drink
>
> A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
> one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed
> the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>
> "Hello ? "
>
> "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>
> "Yes" whispered the small voice.
>
> "May I talk with him?"
>
> The child whispered, " No."
>
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
> there?"
>
> "Yes ".
>
> "May I talk with her?"
>
> Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> asked, "Is anybody elsse there ?"
>
> "Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman"
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
> "May I speak with the policeman?"
>
> "No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
>
> "Busy doing what?"
>
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
> ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>
> "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
>
> "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>
> Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
> helicopter"
>
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
> searching for?"
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..........
> "ME!"
>
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Old 06-26-2012, 05:06 AM   #6
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Men who lack adult supervision.








































































































































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Last edited by creeper; 06-26-2012 at 05:36 AM.
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