Go Back   DIY Chatroom Home Improvement Forum > Community > Off Topic

CLICK HERE AND JOIN OUR COMMUNITY TODAY...IT'S FREE!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 02-07-2014, 06:10 PM   #91
moderator
 
TheEplumber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Idaho
Posts: 6,605
Share |
Default

A few jokes...


That's good! I kept getting the image of the giant marshmallow guy from Ghost Busters in head as I read about dough boy- how strange is that?

__________________
When posting in forums, letting us know your location will help others give better feedback/advice/solutions to your questions
TheEplumber is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TheEplumber For This Useful Post:
rossfingal (02-07-2014)
Old 02-07-2014, 06:15 PM   #92
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 4,106
Default

A few jokes...


Happy birthday Judy and Rossi!

Great jokes Rossi!
__________________

gma2rjc is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to gma2rjc For This Useful Post:
BigJim (02-07-2014), rossfingal (02-07-2014)
Old 02-07-2014, 06:29 PM   #93
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEplumber View Post
That's good! I kept getting the image of the giant marshmallow guy from Ghost Busters in head as I read about dough boy- how strange is that?
That ain't strange!
That's a classic!!!

(Thanks Barb!)

I remember "E"! - Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man! (I think!?!)

Last edited by rossfingal; 02-07-2014 at 06:41 PM.
rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2014, 06:46 PM   #94
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Here's something -


Cut Off

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. Sorry the bartender says; but, you obviously already had a little to much to drink.

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. “Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!” The bartender screamed “I told You No Drinks!”

The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Darn! how many bars you work at?”

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
BigJim (02-07-2014)
Old 02-09-2014, 04:52 PM   #95
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Darn computers!



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer ? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT !

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' . . .

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
beenthere (02-09-2014), BigJim (02-09-2014), gma2rjc (02-09-2014), oh'mike (02-09-2014)
Old 02-09-2014, 05:15 PM   #96
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Ahhhh!!! -
Movies!!!

Default Things you would never know without the movie industry

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Radiation cause interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Kitchens don't have light switches.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
beenthere (02-09-2014), BigJim (02-09-2014), gma2rjc (02-09-2014), Maintenance 6 (02-10-2014), oh'mike (02-09-2014)
Old 02-09-2014, 05:27 PM   #97
Member
 
joed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Welland, Ontario
Posts: 7,393
Default

A few jokes...


Expert snipers will always miss the good guy no matter how close but hit the evil enemy first shot no matter how far away.
Television news casts always wait for the police to turn on the TV before they report the most important story.
__________________
Do not PM with questions that can be asked in a forum. I will not respond.
joed is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to joed For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (02-09-2014), rossfingal (02-09-2014)
Old 02-09-2014, 05:45 PM   #98
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


It's always TOO QUIET!

and

The natives are always restless!
rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2014, 05:52 PM   #99
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


When a wealthy man found out he had terminal cancer he decided to take his money with him.

He went to his doctor his priest and his lawyer and gave them each $30 million in cash and instructed them each to throw a bag with the money into his grave at his funeral.

He died 1 year later and at the funeral each man walked up to the grave and thew in a big canvas bag. After the service the priest invited the other two out for a beer.

After a couple beers the priest said "I have a confession". I kept $300,000 of that money for a new children's orphanage.

The doctor said "I have a confession to make as well". I kept $1.2 Million of that money for a new wing on the children's hospital.

The Lawyer said "Gentlemen, I am very surprised at both of you". I threw in a blanket, a pillow and a check for the full amount plus 12 months of interest.

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (02-09-2014)
Old 02-10-2014, 07:02 AM   #100
Mold!! Let's kill it!
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,833
Default

A few jokes...


There's way too much truth in that one!
Maintenance 6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2014, 08:03 AM   #101
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Poor lawyers!


American Courts

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception (of thebaby) was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Duh.............

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
beenthere (02-10-2014), curtd (03-30-2014), gma2rjc (02-10-2014)
Old 02-10-2014, 08:42 AM   #102
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Some timely, "tidbits" from members of the law enforcement
community!
("ddawg" will like these!)

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos in the USA:


16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, right?"

10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So, do you know someone who can post your bail?"

1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
curtd (03-30-2014), gma2rjc (02-10-2014), oh'mike (02-12-2014)
Old 02-12-2014, 06:43 AM   #103
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


I'll fix that leak - if it's the last thing I do!
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-fixed.jpg  
rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (02-12-2014), oh'mike (02-12-2014)
Old 02-12-2014, 07:13 AM   #104
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


Something for us "ole" folks!
(So there - you young "whipper-snappers"!)
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-securedownload.jpg  
rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rossfingal For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (02-12-2014), TheEplumber (02-12-2014)
Old 02-12-2014, 12:08 PM   #105
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Western suburbs, Chicago, Il.
Posts: 2,654
Default

A few jokes...


A "sign" of the times?
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-no-discounts.jpg  

rossfingal is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off





Top of Page | View New Posts

Copyright © 2003-2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.