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Old 02-01-2014, 06:44 AM   #61
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A few jokes...


WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

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Old 02-05-2014, 09:30 AM   #62
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A few jokes...


Special attention BigJim, Mike and BT....I'm sure all of these apply

AARP Forum Questions & Answers

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible...
Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your senior husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should senior people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for seniors to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should seniors look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by seniors when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:37 AM   #63
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A few jokes...


Ha,ha,ha! -
"dawg"!
Ease up on us ole folks!

(Young, whipper-snapper!)
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:40 AM   #64
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by ddawg16 View Post
Special attention BigJim, Mike and BT....I'm sure all of these apply

AARP Forum Questions & Answers

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible...
Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your senior husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should senior people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for seniors to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should seniors look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by seniors when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Oh boy! Some of those hit home! I just turned 52 and I'm experiencing some of those. Rofl! Thanks for laughs!
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:49 AM   #65
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by rossfingal View Post
Ha,ha,ha! -
"dawg"!
Ease up on us ole folks!

(Young, whipper-snapper!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by KarenH View Post
Oh boy! Some of those hit home! I just turned 52 and I'm experiencing some of those. Rofl! Thanks for laughs!
hmmmmmmmmmmm........I'm 57 going on 20
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:55 AM   #66
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A few jokes...


57 years old!!!
OMG!!!
What a "youngster"!
(You don't look like a day over, 47!)
Must be nice to be "well-preserved" - clean living!?!)
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:09 AM   #67
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A few jokes...


Some more fun!

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and
that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and
tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and
we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?"
she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Smile!
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:19 AM   #68
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by rossfingal View Post
57 years old!!!
OMG!!!
What a "youngster"!
(You don't look like a day over, 47!)
Must be nice to be "well-preserved" - clean living!?!)
My wife is 16 years younger than me....and she still can't keep up.....I have a high energy level....as for clean living? Yea...right......

But it might be the 3 little ones who keep me young. Not to mention 2 grown daughters and 2 grand kids....(yes, I'm a granddad)

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Old 02-05-2014, 10:44 AM   #69
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by ddawg16 View Post

My wife is 16 years younger than me....and she still can't keep up.....I have a high energy level....as for clean living? Yea...right......

But it might be the 3 little ones who keep me young. Not to mention 2 grown daughters and 2 grand kids....(yes, I'm a granddad)
Grandkids are awesome! I have number 4 on the way. My oldest son will be 34 tomorrow.
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Old 02-05-2014, 11:03 AM   #70
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by KarenH View Post
Grandkids are awesome! I have number 4 on the way. My oldest son will be 34 tomorrow.
My daughters are 34 and 32....but I have some catching up to do on the grand kid part....
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Old 02-05-2014, 11:22 AM   #71
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A few jokes...


What is this??
The "grandkids" thread!?!

I thought it was "jokes"?!?


As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

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Old 02-05-2014, 11:35 AM   #72
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A few jokes...


Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to work on my jeep.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I work on the jeep.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left


My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the jeep isn’t fixed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
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Old 02-05-2014, 11:43 AM   #73
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A few jokes...


Sounds like a "personal" problem!
(See your doctor!)

Some more fun!

(Remember - where ever you go - there you are!!!)


Here's a few in favor of us men...


NICKNAMES
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO,send this to the women who have a sense of humor



and to the men who will enjoy reading it
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:18 PM   #74
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by rossfingal View Post
What is this??
The "grandkids" thread!?!

I thought it was "jokes"?!?

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

Oops! Sorry. When I get started on grandbabies it's hard to stop!
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:22 PM   #75
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A few jokes...


No apologies necessary!

rossfingal

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