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Old 08-22-2014, 12:08 AM   #706
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A few jokes...


Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to the other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to steal a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ya not found one yet?'

'I can't find the No. 91'

'Oh be Jeysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout...

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Old 08-22-2014, 09:36 AM   #707
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A few jokes...


Revenge of the cows
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Old 08-22-2014, 11:01 AM   #708
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A few jokes...


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"





The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:48 AM   #709
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A few jokes...


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:42 PM   #710
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A few jokes...


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

----

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

----

Morris, a 95 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, "I didn't say that.. I said, you've got a heart murmur; be careful!”
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:50 PM   #711
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A few jokes...


“Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”





I aspire to do that.



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Old 08-24-2014, 10:37 AM   #712
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A few jokes...


As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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Old 08-24-2014, 04:46 PM   #713
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A few jokes...


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh! have you killed any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Old 08-25-2014, 09:34 AM   #714
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A few jokes...


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer," replied the motorist. "I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!", barked the officer.

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
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Old 08-26-2014, 08:29 AM   #715
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A few jokes...


Finally a truthful answer, and one that will not get you " the stare".




A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
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Old 08-26-2014, 10:20 AM   #716
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A few jokes...


yet still a dangerous answer.
Safest thing to do is shut up and run like hell is behind you.
'Cause she will be.
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Old 08-27-2014, 12:36 PM   #717
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A few jokes...


A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you .... ...."
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:20 AM   #718
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A few jokes...


A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:48 AM   #719
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A few jokes...


This explains it all.
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:49 PM   #720
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A few jokes...


Especially if they are running for any kind of political office.


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