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Old 07-18-2014, 02:06 PM   #631
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A few jokes...


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and
I realized that I desperately needed to furt. The place was packed, but
the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed
my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to
feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring
at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear
piece) - and how was your day?



This is what happens when old people start using technology!

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Old 07-22-2014, 09:05 AM   #632
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A few jokes...


When NASA first started sending up astronauts they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in O gravity.

To combat this problem NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temps ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.



The russians used a pencil.
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Old 07-23-2014, 11:19 AM   #633
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A few jokes...


I know this is off topic, but i need some advice here on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me..the phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up,also,she goes out with the 'girls' a lot.
I even tried staying awake for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
However, last night about midnight i was determined to see for myself and hid beside the shed and right behind my boat.
For what felt like eternity, she finally came home and got out of a dark brown truck while buttoning her blouse,and taking her panties out of her purse and slipping them on for cover.
It was at this moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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Old 07-23-2014, 08:56 PM   #634
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A few jokes...


Way too many people to give this reply to.
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Old 07-23-2014, 10:33 PM   #635
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A few jokes...


Super Bowl

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago
Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the
Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a
young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand- grenade straight into a 15th story window 100
yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to
himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man
wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won
the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman
says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the
young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting
event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she
doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then
tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!
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Old 07-24-2014, 12:28 AM   #636
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A few jokes...


What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are about a buck and quarter,
Deer nuts are always under a buck.
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Old 07-24-2014, 12:36 AM   #637
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A few jokes...


do vegatarians eat animal cookies? if a parsley farmer owed back taxes would they garnish his wages? why is lemon juice made w/artificial lemons but lemon dish soap made w/real lemons?
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Old 07-25-2014, 06:06 AM   #638
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A few jokes...


Below is funny joke..:

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
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Old 07-25-2014, 09:31 AM   #639
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A few jokes...


unfortunately, this is too true.
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Old 07-25-2014, 06:20 PM   #640
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A few jokes...


Cat's--they do find the warm spots----
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:30 AM   #641
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A few jokes...


very rare indeed
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Old 07-28-2014, 10:22 PM   #642
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A few jokes...


Fred: "You ever see the movie 'Constipation'?"
Ed: "Nope!"
Fred: "That's because it hasn't come out yet."

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Old 07-29-2014, 05:46 PM   #643
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by EarlWebb View Post
Below is funny joke..:

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
lol nice
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:31 PM   #644
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How to Get the Police to Respond Quickly

A man called 911 because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard. He was asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then 911 said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors - they would send someone as soon as they could.

The man hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and the thieves were caught red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

He replied, "I thought you said no one was available".
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:55 PM   #645
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A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday, after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

----

The new salesman had just completed his training and was anxious to put his skills to work. He took his Hoover vacuum cleaner to the front door of a house and rang the bell.

A rather unpleasant woman answered the door. But before she could say anything, he threw a pile of crumbled cow patties through the doorway and behind her onto the rug.

"Lady," he said, "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up all those cow patties, I'll eat them myself."

"I'll get you a spoon," scowled the lady. "Our electricity hasn't been turned on, yet."

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