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Old 01-23-2014, 08:16 AM   #46
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Jim....THAT one was good. ......I'm still crying.

Made even funnier sitting on the head at an aerospace company restroom while a guy 2 stalls over must have had the same chillies

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Old 01-23-2014, 08:29 AM   #47
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That is not a good way to start a day.LOL
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Old 01-23-2014, 03:46 PM   #48
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That's hilarious Jim!
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Old 01-23-2014, 07:46 PM   #49
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OMG. That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
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Old 01-23-2014, 09:14 PM   #50
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IT WAS YOU!!!!?? My nose still hasn't regained it's sense of smell!


Lol, to funny!
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:00 AM   #51
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If you are a golfer, you will probably understand this one better.

The Difference Between Men and Women


Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing…’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




Husband’s Diary:

A five putt… who the **** five putts?
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:36 PM   #52
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A few jokes...


Since I don't know any good jokes I can share here, I thought you would enjoy a good- Bad Lip Reading video of our NFL stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRqKY...ature=youtu.be
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:15 PM   #53
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Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?


A. Shoot one.
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Old 01-29-2014, 10:52 AM   #54
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One of the typical things that happen to a man!

A man booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life,
that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.





After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman
he has ever seen rowed up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies,
"I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."


"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."





"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island,
it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."





The guy is stunned.





"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."





"Would you like a drink?"





"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."


"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"





Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.





"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"





When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and
some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned,
she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.





"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely.
When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."
he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Harley??
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Old 01-31-2014, 04:05 PM   #55
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DEAD PENGUINS .. I never knew this! (Day brightener!)


Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!!!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too.
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Old 01-31-2014, 04:37 PM   #56
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Thanks BigJim! -
that's a "day brightener"!

Here's something -

From Phyllis Diller -

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

---------------------------------------

It gives me something to smile about, while I'm waiting for the next,
deluge of snow -
4" to 9".
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Old 01-31-2014, 04:47 PM   #57
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A few jokes...


Laughing so hard at some of these! Too funny! Thanks for the laughs!
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Old 01-31-2014, 04:51 PM   #58
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No thanks needed!
Just send money!
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:02 PM   #59
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Santa Claus is a woman because:

The vast majority of men donít even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Men canít pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatenedÖhaving to be seen with all those elves.
Men donít answer their mail.
Men arenít interested in stockings unless somebodyís wearing them.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:46 PM   #60
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.......

Thanks for the laughs guys!!

Barb

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