Go Back   DIY Chatroom Home Improvement Forum > Community > Off Topic

CLICK HERE AND JOIN OUR COMMUNITY TODAY...IT'S FREE!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 07-06-2014, 10:26 AM   #571
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 4,098
Share |
Default

A few jokes...


Dick and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as aircraft mechanics in Everett, Washington.

One day, the airport was iced-in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick says to Jim, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim replies, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz."

"You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects! Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dick says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover?" Dick says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Wisconsin!"

__________________

gma2rjc is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to gma2rjc For This Useful Post:
BigJim (07-07-2014), de-nagorg (07-06-2014), gmaint (07-06-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014)
Old 07-06-2014, 11:11 AM   #572
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 4,098
Default

A few jokes...




5 Minute Management Course:

Lesson 1:

A priest offered a nun a lift.
She got in the car and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me Next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, sitting next to the love of my life."
Poof! She's gone.
"Okay, you're up," says the genie to the manager.
The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?"
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings" replied the bull. It's full of nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth day, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground, into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1... Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2... Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3... When you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

The end of the 5-minute management course.




__________________

gma2rjc is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to gma2rjc For This Useful Post:
Blondesense (07-07-2014), de-nagorg (07-06-2014), djlandkpl (07-06-2014), gmaint (07-06-2014), oh'mike (07-06-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014)
Old 07-06-2014, 12:26 PM   #573
Pro Flooring Installer
 
rusty baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: SW Missouri
Posts: 3,772
Default

A few jokes...


...........
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-10441181_510155839085491_5288227829024710562_n.jpg  
__________________
The ads in my post are there without my permission. I do not endorse any of the products.
Semi-Retired Installer
Installing since 1973
rusty baker is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to rusty baker For This Useful Post:
ddawg16 (07-07-2014), de-nagorg (07-06-2014), gma2rjc (07-06-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014), Windows on Wash (07-07-2014)
Old 07-07-2014, 01:03 AM   #574
JOATMON
 
ddawg16's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: S. California
Posts: 6,813
Default

A few jokes...


Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead?
No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Fred, wake up! You've pooped the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be !!
__________________
"The dream is free but the hustle is sold separately."

My 2-Story Addition Build in Progress Link ... My Garage Build Link and My Jeep Build Link
ddawg16 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ddawg16 For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (07-07-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014)
Old 07-07-2014, 01:05 AM   #575
JOATMON
 
ddawg16's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: S. California
Posts: 6,813
Default

A few jokes...


__________________
"The dream is free but the hustle is sold separately."

My 2-Story Addition Build in Progress Link ... My Garage Build Link and My Jeep Build Link
ddawg16 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ddawg16 For This Useful Post:
rossfingal (07-10-2014)
Old 07-07-2014, 08:22 AM   #576
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central Wyoming
Posts: 845
Default

A few jokes...


Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned.

Lucy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before"

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before!
de-nagorg is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to de-nagorg For This Useful Post:
rossfingal (07-10-2014), Startingover (07-07-2014)
Old 07-07-2014, 02:10 PM   #577
24+ years of fixin'
 
gmaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Seabeck, WA
Posts: 218
Default

A few jokes...


Are you tired of doughnuts? This is the cure.
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-ribs.jpg  
__________________
Gregg M.
gmaint is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to gmaint For This Useful Post:
de-nagorg (07-07-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014), Startingover (07-07-2014)
Old 07-07-2014, 03:46 PM   #578
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 4,098
Default

A few jokes...


gmaint, the law says that if you show pictures like that, you have to deliver the food to our front doors... in time for dinner... today.

P.S. Will you be bringing biscuits & mashed potatoes too?

__________________

gma2rjc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2014, 04:00 PM   #579
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central Wyoming
Posts: 845
Default

A few jokes...


Gregg: that is cruel, my doctor has me eating rabbit food.


ED
de-nagorg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2014, 06:01 PM   #580
24+ years of fixin'
 
gmaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Seabeck, WA
Posts: 218
Default

A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by de-nagorg View Post
Gregg: that is cruel, my doctor has me eating rabbit food.


ED
Err ED, Keep in mind. Rabbits eat their food twice.
__________________
Gregg M.
gmaint is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2014, 10:39 PM   #581
24+ years of fixin'
 
gmaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Seabeck, WA
Posts: 218
Default

A few jokes...


[QUOTE=gma2rjc;1373121]gmaint, the law says that if you show pictures like that, you have to deliver to our front doors... .. today.



[/QUOTE Then I guess I am happy I am not sharing other pictures.

Get your mind out of the gutter, talking about quality rebuilds.


Jeez
__________________
Gregg M.
gmaint is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2014, 10:46 PM   #582
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central Wyoming
Posts: 845
Default

A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by gmaint View Post
Err ED, Keep in mind. Rabbits eat their food twice.
Only because they cannot digest it very well.

Whereas anything I eat is converted to fat around my heart, then my muscles have to convert that fat to energy.

I am still part caveman and everything goes to storage first.

ED
de-nagorg is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to de-nagorg For This Useful Post:
gmaint (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:44 AM   #583
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central Wyoming
Posts: 845
Default

A few jokes...


I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
de-nagorg is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to de-nagorg For This Useful Post:
gma2rjc (07-08-2014), gmaint (07-08-2014), rossfingal (07-10-2014), Startingover (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 10:08 PM   #584
24+ years of fixin'
 
gmaint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Seabeck, WA
Posts: 218
Default

A few jokes...


I really need this sign.
Attached Thumbnails
A few jokes...-drinking.jpg  
__________________
Gregg M.
gmaint is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gmaint For This Useful Post:
de-nagorg (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 10:32 PM   #585
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central Wyoming
Posts: 845
Default

A few jokes...


Gregg: there has been times that most of us needed that sign.

Sixtyvette back at the old H C O A , does hand carved signs and things like that on a commission basis at times, He might be interested in taking one on for you, if you go and ask.

ED

de-nagorg is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off





Top of Page | View New Posts

Copyright © 2003-2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.