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Old 06-24-2014, 11:20 AM   #541
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A few jokes...


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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Old 06-24-2014, 01:23 PM   #542
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A few jokes...


Best Ever Speeding Excuse

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"

This elderly woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-

"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."


The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Makes perfectly good sense to me!!
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Old 06-24-2014, 01:26 PM   #543
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A few jokes...


The Doc said: " Senility isn't forgetting to zip up your fly, it's forgetting to un-zip your fly ".
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Old 06-24-2014, 01:55 PM   #544
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A few jokes...


Or is it a sign of sinility to have the same joke within two heartbeats cause you forgot?

Mary Jane Baker, Silk painter and general handy-woman
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Old 06-24-2014, 01:58 PM   #545
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In high school I was asked by my teacher to go around and test my fellow classmates for senility. So of coarse me wanting to pass the test went around to all my friends asking one important question....
Did you know that the first sign of senility is having hair grow on top of your knuckles.









The second sign...is looking!

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Old 06-24-2014, 02:07 PM   #546
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A few jokes...


Yup, it is getting there
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Old 06-24-2014, 02:24 PM   #547
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Or is it a sign of sinility to have the same joke within two heartbeats cause you forgot?

Mary Jane Baker, Silk painter and general handy-woman
I was wondering who would catch that other problem i seem to have.
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Old 06-24-2014, 03:14 PM   #548
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A few jokes...


Mrs fix it: I always heard that hair on the knuckles joke was a sign of a dirty mind.

And yes everyone always looks.

ED
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Old 06-25-2014, 11:04 AM   #549
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A few jokes...


Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
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Old 06-26-2014, 10:47 AM   #550
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Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called .

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
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Old 06-27-2014, 07:25 AM   #551
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The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what they are for.
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Old 06-27-2014, 03:27 PM   #552
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs fix it View Post
Or is it a sign of sinility to have the same joke within two heartbeats cause you forgot?
forget what????
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Old 06-27-2014, 10:47 PM   #553
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On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

When they got to a town called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, but very, very, very slowly?"




The waitress leaned over and said,

"Burrr … Gurrr … King"
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Old 06-27-2014, 10:59 PM   #554
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A few jokes...


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Her husband rushed into the kitchen...

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

In a calm and quiet voice, the husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving and you're in the car with me."
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:21 AM   #555
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A few jokes...


Actually, I am out of rye whiskey
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