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Old 05-25-2014, 10:27 AM   #451
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A few jokes...


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"

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Old 05-26-2014, 09:15 AM   #452
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A few jokes...


"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "@&*^ ! THAT'S the word!
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Old 05-26-2014, 09:20 AM   #453
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A few jokes...


thanks ed, just about spewed coffee all over my computer
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Old 05-26-2014, 04:40 PM   #454
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A few jokes...


A blond woman goes into an appliance store and after looking around a bit tells a sales associate "I'd like to buy this TV". The salesman replies, "Sorry ma'am, but we don't sell this TV to blonds."
The woman torts back, "Well I've never heard such a thing!" and storms out.
After much thinking and reflection upon the incident (not an easy feat for her, mind you) she decides to don a brunette wig and return to the store. She walks up to the same man and says. "I want to buy this TV."
Again the salesman tells her, "Sorry ma'am, but we don't sell this TV to blonds."
Infuriated, she screams, "How did you know I'm a blond and WHY can't I buy this TV!"
The salesman calmly replies, "Because, ma'am,
.......
.......
.......





it's a freaking microwave!"
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Old 05-26-2014, 07:38 PM   #455
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A few jokes...


Wife wanted to go on vacation. Said she wanted to go someplace she hadn't been for a while. I said do you want to go to Canada, and she said no we went to Canada last year. I said do you want to go to Mexico, she said no we went there 2 years ago, I want to go someplace I haven't been for a long time. I took her by the arm and said "let's go in the kitchen then" and the fight was on.
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Old 05-27-2014, 10:51 AM   #456
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A few jokes...


A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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Old 05-27-2014, 04:53 PM   #457
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A few jokes...


..............
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Old 05-27-2014, 05:08 PM   #458
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:09 AM   #459
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A few jokes...


"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
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Old 05-29-2014, 09:56 AM   #460
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A few jokes...


BEST ADVICE EVER



Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

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Old 05-29-2014, 11:46 AM   #461
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A few jokes...


For those of you who don't like veggies
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Old 05-30-2014, 08:43 AM   #462
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A few jokes...


Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head.

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter. "But, St. Peter, surely you recognise me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow."

"And I know you recognise me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies.

Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay 3 days."
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Old 05-31-2014, 09:32 AM   #463
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A few jokes...


A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled: "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled: "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied: "Well...everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled,
`PEANUTS!'."

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Old 05-31-2014, 12:47 PM   #464
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A few jokes...


I think I just felt my arteries slam shut
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Old 05-31-2014, 08:45 PM   #465
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A few jokes...


You'll need some bacon sauce, bacon-flavored bread (toasted) and bacon butter to make a proper bacon sandwich out of that stack of bacon, gmaint. Oh, and some lettuce and tomato.... with some bacon bits sprinkled on top.

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