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Old 11-18-2013, 06:53 AM   #31
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A few jokes...


A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

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Old 11-20-2013, 01:56 AM   #32
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A few jokes...


A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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Old 11-25-2013, 02:03 AM   #33
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A few jokes...


An oldie but goodie...

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

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Old 11-25-2013, 06:41 AM   #34
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A few jokes...


A cop pulls over a guy for rolling a stop sign.

When he contacts the driver he tells him that he pulled him over for rolling the stop sign.

The driver exclaims. "I'm an attorney. I slowed down enough to know that it was safe to proceed."

The cop replies "But, the law states that you must stop, not slow down. Stop"

Attorney "I was safe. I will not sign the ticket"

Cop "Then you will have to go to jail"

Attorney "If you can prove to me that it's important to stop vs slowing down, I will sign the ticket"

Cop pulls out his night stick and starts to beat the attorney with it. After about 30 seconds he asks him "Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"
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Old 11-27-2013, 05:07 PM   #35
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A few jokes...


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm
telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

- Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done,
rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

- Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had
planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the
decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the
front yard. The mud was their idea.

- The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match
and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, we will
refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa
napkins from last Christmas.

- Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers
that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The
artist assures me it is a turkey.

- We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at
5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to
cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play
a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I
don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming
sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore
them. They are lying.

- We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce
the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional
method.

- We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the
smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you
like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

- Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a
turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not
be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be
carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not,
under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not
send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an
electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I
will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

- I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners
that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request
to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one
reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet
gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner
questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead
ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

- Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving
the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
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Old 11-27-2013, 05:49 PM   #36
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A few jokes...


The Pastor's Ass


The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won !!


The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:

“BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS”.





This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!


The Bishop fainted ….


He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.


So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:


“NUNSELLS ASS FOR $10”.


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.




The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Old 11-27-2013, 06:46 PM   #37
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A few jokes...


Why did the Turkey cross the Road?



He didn't want to get dressed.
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Old 11-27-2013, 07:16 PM   #38
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A few jokes...


Two simple carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second simpleton got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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Old 11-27-2013, 07:50 PM   #39
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A few jokes...


Nike just came out with a new model shoe for blondes: Nike air-heads.
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Old 11-28-2013, 12:30 AM   #40
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A few jokes...


I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce - yours and buttheads.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: you can get shoes at the bowling alley for 85¢.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:29 AM   #41
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A few jokes...


This courtesy "hopalong X"

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight will surprise you!
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the

bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but

how?

6.
Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.
No news is

impossible.

8.
A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new

math.

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust

me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.
An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is

not much.

17.
Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.

24.
When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than

pregnant.


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Old 12-14-2013, 08:38 AM   #42
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A few jokes...


I was sitting in a bar with a buddy -
Across the bar were 2 old, drunks -
I said to my friend - "That's us in 10 years".

He said - "That's a mirror".
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:16 PM   #43
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A few jokes...


Good ones rossi!

My 9 year old grandson asked me this one today...

Why did the spider get on the computer?

So he could get to his website.
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Old 12-14-2013, 06:11 PM   #44
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A few jokes...


Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.



A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.


Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.



At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.



When they talked to the bank teller, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."


"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the ******' sheet rock..."
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Old 01-23-2014, 08:58 AM   #45
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A few jokes...


I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ..........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the e inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'S**-of-a-b****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.. Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

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