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Old 05-12-2014, 10:33 AM   #421
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A few jokes...


A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his.
So I'll take the attorney's!"

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Old 05-13-2014, 08:53 AM   #422
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A few jokes...


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
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Old 05-13-2014, 07:48 PM   #423
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A few jokes...


It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, not far from him, and cut a nice hole for himself to fish.

The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes, but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without as much as a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:19 PM   #424
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A few jokes...


"A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/farm...#ixzz308IQKCNq
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:23 PM   #425
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A few jokes...


...having a drink, minding his own business, when suddenly the big guy next to him stands up and WHAM! ...knocks the little guy right off the stool and says,"that was a Karate chop from Japan!"

The little guy gets stands up, gets back up on his stool and resumes sipping his drink. He's not had more than a couple sips when WHACK! ...the little guy gets knocked off his stool again. The big guy says, "tell him that was a Wing-Chun strike from China".

The little guy thinks sheesh, staggers to his feet and walks out of the bar.

About 10 minutes later he walks back into the bar with a shopping bag. He walks up behind the big guy, reaches into the bag and BLAM!!!!?..knocks the big guy right off his stool.

He turns to walk out of the bar and says to the bartender as he's leaving, "tell him when he wakes up, that was a crowbar from Sears"
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:28 PM   #426
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A few jokes...


A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:44 PM   #427
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A few jokes...


A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my man thing," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't pee out of it." the man replied.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:11 PM   #428
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by DanGuy48 View Post
...having a drink, minding his own business, when suddenly the big guy next to him stands up and WHAM! ...knocks the little guy right off the stool and says,"that was a Karate chop from Japan!"

The little guy gets stands up, gets back up on his stool and resumes sipping his drink. He's not had more than a couple sips when WHACK! ...the little guy gets knocked off his stool again. The big guy says, "tell him that was a Wing-Chun strike from China".

The little guy thinks sheesh, staggers to his feet and walks out of the bar.

About 10 minutes later he walks back into the bar with a shopping bag. He walks up behind the big guy, reaches into the bag and BLAM!!!!?..knocks the big guy right off his stool.

He turns to walk out of the bar and says to the bartender as he's leaving, "tell him when he wakes up, that was a crowbar from Sears"
No it was a hockey stick from Canadian Tire.
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:05 AM   #429
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A few jokes...


A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
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Old 05-16-2014, 12:45 AM   #430
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A few jokes...


The police came to my door a while ago and said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I said, "You must be joking officer, my dog doesn't have a bike".
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Old 05-16-2014, 09:32 AM   #431
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A few jokes...


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The police came to my door a while ago and said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I said, "You must be joking officer, my dog doesn't have a bike".
Just for that we are going to seize your property because this could be a crime scene!
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Old 05-16-2014, 01:43 PM   #432
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A few jokes...


Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
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Old 05-16-2014, 04:04 PM   #433
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A few jokes...


...............
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Old 05-17-2014, 08:13 AM   #434
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A few jokes...


Getting tired of doughnuts?
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Old 05-17-2014, 10:03 AM   #435
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A few jokes...


It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says,
"Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

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