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Old 11-06-2013, 09:20 AM   #16
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A few jokes...


A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago, to make room for a new skyscraper.

Due to it's proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.

They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important!"

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore. They had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

"Well," said the police, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody important. In fact, he's famous for being undefeated in his field."

"Who was it?", asked the eager construction workers.

"The 1962 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

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Old 11-06-2013, 09:26 AM   #17
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A few jokes...


A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and on-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask, so I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:40 AM   #18
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Ha, ha, ha!
I hope he measured it twice!
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Old 11-06-2013, 09:44 AM   #19
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Top 20 Engineering Terminologies -

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED = we are still clueless.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM = we just hired 3 kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION = we know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH = it works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION DELIVERY ASSURED = we are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE = the stupid thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING = we are so surprised that the silly thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED = the only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS = it is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT = forget it, we have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL = let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING = We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION = I can't wait to hear this junk!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS = come into my office. I'm lonely.

ALL NEW = parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED = too heavy to lift.

LIGHTWEIGHT = lighter than 'RUGGED'.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT = one finally worked.

ENERGY SAVINGS = achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE = impossible to fix if broken.
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:00 PM   #20
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:32 PM   #21
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Oh yeah. I just saw a Technical Service Bulletin on these (TSB). The new requirement is: instead of Duct Tape, you must use Moisture sensitive, double faced, urethane sealant tape.............. available in a variety of colors.
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Old 11-06-2013, 02:03 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maintenance 6 View Post
Oh yeah. I just saw a Technical Service Bulletin on these (TSB). The new requirement is: instead of Duct Tape, you must use Moisture sensitive, double faced, urethane sealant tape.............. available in a variety of colors.
The latest "tech"-bulletin, concerning color, suggests -
use "mauve"!
(Stay away from "puce" and "vermillion"!)
Thanks!
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Old 11-06-2013, 02:20 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maintenance 6 View Post
Oh yeah. I just saw a Technical Service Bulletin on these (TSB). The new requirement is: instead of Duct Tape, you must use Moisture sensitive, double faced, urethane sealant tape.............. available in a variety of colors.
Damn government has to get involved with everything!
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Old 11-06-2013, 03:28 PM   #24
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Maintenance 6 View Post
Oh yeah. I just saw a Technical Service Bulletin on these (TSB). The new requirement is: instead of Duct Tape, you must use Moisture sensitive, double faced, urethane sealant tape.............. available in a variety of colors.
Is that the same as 'multi-directional bonding strips", like Buzz Lightyear uses?
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:01 AM   #25
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A few jokes...


A man was walking back home when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog. Behind that were 200 men walking in a single file.

He respectfully approached the man walking with the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

After a moment of silence he asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man with the dog replied,
"Get in line."
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:10 AM   #26
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:30 AM   #27
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Pleasing everybody

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey.
They were going to town and it was decided that
the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to
walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe
the critics were right, so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make
such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe
they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought
that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey
to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they
both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that
it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that
maybe the critics were right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and
drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please
everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:53 AM   #28
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Good one!
Truth and merriment, at the same time!
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Old 11-07-2013, 11:36 PM   #29
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A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated. Can you help me?"

The doctor examines him and after a minute says, "Lean over the table".

The construction worker leans over the table and the doctor hits him square in the butt as hard as he can with a baseball bat. Then he tells the construction worker to go in the bathroom and do his business.

The construction worker comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great! What can I do to keep this from happening again?"

The doctor replies, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:36 AM   #30
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What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown?




Someone who want's artificial intelligence....

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