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Old 03-06-2014, 12:13 AM   #196
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A few jokes...


What did the Olive say when it fell off the table?




O LIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Old 03-06-2014, 12:28 PM   #197
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A few jokes...


Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game. So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitch-hikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in. Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.

Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitch-hikes his way back over the border to Mexico.

When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was eet, the baseball game?"

And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, `Jose, can you see?' "
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Old 03-06-2014, 12:46 PM   #198
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A few jokes...


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," replied the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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Old 03-07-2014, 12:08 PM   #199
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A few jokes...


No one ever said that you need to be smart to play sports.



1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M , recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
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Old 03-07-2014, 04:03 PM   #200
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A few jokes...


Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
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Old 03-07-2014, 04:07 PM   #201
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A few jokes...


An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
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Old 03-08-2014, 01:39 PM   #202
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A few jokes...


Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.

After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".

So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"

Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?

To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of Frigging Talent "
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Old 03-08-2014, 01:48 PM   #203
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A few jokes...


In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... it seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Ian scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:26 PM   #204
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A few jokes...


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Old 03-09-2014, 12:48 PM   #205
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A few jokes...


A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
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Old 03-09-2014, 02:34 PM   #206
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A few jokes...


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Old 03-09-2014, 07:15 PM   #207
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A few jokes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by de-nagorg View Post


8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

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Old 03-09-2014, 10:43 PM   #208
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A few jokes...


We know how much the Scots like their game of golf

Old Patty is playing a round of golf with his mates.

They are at the 14th hole when they see a hearse drive by the tee off on it's way to the cemetery.

Old Patty takes off his hat and puts it over his heart in a sign of respect.

His makes remark "Patty old maty, that's a kind thing you did for that person. Well done."

Patty replies, "It's the least I could do. After all, we were married for over 40 years".
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Old 03-10-2014, 11:56 AM   #209
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A few jokes...


A Public Service Announcement!
For those of us getting "up in our years"!
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Old 03-10-2014, 12:10 PM   #210
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A few jokes...


This seen outside the "DIY" commissary -
Good choice for the soup "du jour"!
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