A few jokes...
Why is Superman's costume so tight?
Because he wears a size "S"
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping
for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have
avocados, get 6".
A short time later, the husband comes back with 6 cartons
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados".
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous".
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
A husband and wife have a tiff. The wife calls up her mom
and says, "He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you."
Her mom says, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you."
A husband forgets their anniversary.
The wife, upset, tells him "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 30 seconds or less in the driveway by tomorrow morning."
The next morning she gets up and sees a box on the driveway. She looks in it and sees a scale.
The husband is expected to live, but it is uncertain as to when he will be off life support.
For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
Federal Government employee performance evaluations...
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy ."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
21 . "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its' diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananasecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong
7. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
8. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
9. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
10. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
11. 52 cards = 1 decacards
12. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
13. 10 rations = 1 decoration
14. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
The Good Cat
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Sincerely, The World
What was your power again?
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in our language.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Mr. Gump
What are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get...
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User
At least you get picked up.
Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender says
Hey, there's a horse in here!
Because im from Canada and i just cant resist
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to
a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would
make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut
out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very
pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's
knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain,
the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was
terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as
the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was
conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there
was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The
Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the
pins and throwing them back.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine", asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details!", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question".
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape, I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?' "
Creative Puns for 'Educated Minds'
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head".
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Support bacteria... it's the only culture some people have!
A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
John died and went to heaven. When he knocked at the gate, St. Peter asked him a few questions and then ended with : Have you ever been unfaithful to your loving wife? "No. Never" said John. That's correct said St. Peter and handed him the keys to a new Caddillac. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you get around". Next Tom knocked at the gate and after the same questions, St. Peter asked, "Have you ever been unfaithful to your loving wife? "Only once" said Tom, "and I asked to be forgiven and never did it again." "That's correct" said St. Peter and he handed Tom the keys to a new Chevy. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you to get around." Next came Harry. St. Peter asked the same questions and again finished with "Have you ever been unfaithful to you loving wife?" "Oh, several times and with different women, but I asked for forgiveness and have not done it anymore". "That's correct" said St. Peter and he handed Harry the keys to a VW. "Heaven's a big place. This will help you get around". Some time later. Tom and Harry are tooling around and come upon John sitting in his Caddy crying. "What's the matter John?" they asked. "I just passed my wife" he said." "Yeah? so?" they asked. At this point John really broke down........ "She was on rollerskates".
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