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Old 01-31-2012, 10:01 PM   #31
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A clean joke....or two.


cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a member of the U. S. Congress , says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog.

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Old 02-01-2012, 10:14 AM   #32
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A clean joke....or two.


Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:18 AM   #33
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends..."

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next
... morning she told her husband that she had slept
over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next
morning he told his wife that he had slept over
at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said he was still there.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:27 AM   #34
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A clean joke....or two.


Thank you!
"rusty baker"!
He, he, he!
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Old 02-02-2012, 10:16 AM   #35
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A man gets stranded on a mountain, alone and starving. He sees a Bald Eagle and in order to survive, he kills and eats it.

After he is rescued, word of his actions gets around and he is put on trial for killing an endangered species. At the trial, the judge says "Why'd you do it?' The man humbly tells the judge "Well, your honor if I didn't, I was going to starve to death." The judge agrees and dismisses the charges. Then, he looks at the man and says "By the way, how did it taste?" The man looks at him and says "Not bad, sort of like a cross between a Condor and a Whooping Crane."
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Old 02-02-2012, 10:43 AM   #36
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A clean joke....or two.


Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my manhoods
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like he..!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh,
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my... (manhood)!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,

Earl
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Old 02-02-2012, 10:51 AM   #37
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"jiju1943"
You sure do know how to amuse yourself!
(Maybe "amuse" isn't the right word!!)
Impressive!
rf
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Old 02-08-2012, 08:41 AM   #38
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Ahahaha :D Made my day.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:10 PM   #39
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Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a BSí er. He's never once been out of the yard'
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:51 PM   #40
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GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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