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Old 01-27-2012, 05:23 PM   #16
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A clean joke....or two.


I agree, I'm a sucker for jokes

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Old 01-28-2012, 08:50 PM   #17
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A clean joke....or two.


A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:54 PM   #18
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A clean joke....or two.


Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:38 PM   #19
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A clean joke....or two.


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color

of happiness,

and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Old 01-28-2012, 10:21 PM   #20
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A clean joke....or two.


An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:08 AM   #21
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A clean joke....or two.


An old man is sitting by himself at the Super Bowl and the seat next to him is empty. A guy comes by and asks about the empty seat. The man says "my wife and I have attended the Super Bowl together for the last 30 yrs. She died and now I am attending it alone."

The guy feels bad for him and asks "isn't there someone else who you could have brought with you?"

The man looks at him and says "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Old 01-29-2012, 01:05 PM   #22
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A clean joke....or two.


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:29 PM   #23
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A clean joke....or two.


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor, what is this?" he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, with his voice barely audible and trembling with fear, Alex asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:24 PM   #24
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A clean joke....or two.


An old man sat down on a bench at a mall waiting for his wife to come out from a store, when a guy sporting a Mohawk in all different colors, red, blue, green, purple and pink comes and sits down on the bench.

The old man in a confuse look just stared.

To which the guy said, "what's a matter old man, never done anything wild in your days?"

The old man replied, "I once got real drunk and had sex with a peacock, I was just trying to figure out if you were my son."
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:50 AM   #25
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A clean joke....or two.


Imagine if you will what it would be like to be a naked statue in a park. Across from you for over 100 years is the most perfect matching statue of a naked woman. The pent up desire must build up in you? Everything you have wanted to do with her for so long is pent up.

And then one day it happens. An angel descends from heaven and turns statues into human form but for only 45 minutes.

Usual pleasantries.

"Hello I am Ralph"

"Hello Ralph I am Melbalina"

Eyes meet and of course they dive into the hedges. Wouldn't you? Leaves and feathers fly.

They emerge, sweaty, satisfied. The angel suggests they have 15 minutes left.

"Wanna do it again?", Melbalina says with that look in her eye, knowing it could be another 100 years before another chance is offered!

"Why not! But this time I get to crap on the pigeon!"

Last edited by user1007; 01-30-2012 at 05:04 AM.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:52 AM   #26
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A clean joke....or two.


Elephant walks up to a naked guy.

How do you breathe through that little thing.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:54 AM   #27
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A clean joke....or two.


In the old west. This three legged dog is packing six shooters on his hips. He busts through the swinging saloon doors and announces...

"I am looking for the man that shot my paw."
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Old 01-30-2012, 01:05 PM   #28
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A clean joke....or two.


HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
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Old 01-30-2012, 01:13 PM   #29
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A clean joke....or two.


~Maybe this one should go in the paint forum...?~


Wayne the Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well,Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...




"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:57 PM   #30
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A clean joke....or two.


A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the "readiest" rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."

And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry! You'll kill yourself!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the vulture's getting closer."

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